Sorry Not Sorry

The most common response upon learning that I am an alcoholic: “I am sorry.”

On a level, I get that. A lot of social activities seem to revolve around drinking. Happy hour. Cocktail parties. Wine & cheese parties. Even book clubs often throw back a few bottles of wine. And people (even normal people who drink in moderation) really like their booze. It seems like a radical move to give it up. And maybe boring. People seem to think my life must be hella boring. (Spoiler: It’s not)

Some of my old friends, who knew me in high school and college before my drinking really escalated, hate the idea that I had to suffer. They wish they could have been there for me, could have helped. I love their impulse to ease the pain of an old friend. But for many years, I was self-destructing and even the tremendous amount of love heaped on my by family & friends did nothing to slow my unraveling. The shitty thing about addicts is that they have to WANT help to recover. I did not want help.

But here’s my deal after over 6 years in recovery: I am not sorry I am an alcoholic. I am not sorry for the hard work I had to put into my recovery. I am not sorry that my addiction taught me about being fully present, human and fallible.

I AM sorry that for so many of my drinking years I was a self-centered asshat. I am sorry my drunk driving endangered so many innocent people. I am sorry that I used sex as a drug or wielded it as a weapon. I am sorry for the pain, torment, and worry that I inflicted on my family and my best friend. I had no right to behave the way I did. And yet, I did behave that way… over & over again.

But, even still, I am grateful that I am an alcoholic. I wouldn’t be the person I am if I hadn’t chosen to get sober, chosen to work hard to recover, chosen to live into a life of spiritual practice and honesty. I am grateful that when I look at the world, I see people who are worthy of love, who need help and kindness. I am grateful that, in the process of getting sober, I really got God. Or at least as much as a fallible person with no understanding of the infinite can get God. But still, we are working with progress not perfection here.

Today, I have a sense of peace I never dreamed possible. I enjoy my life without being plagued by fear and anxiety. I can navigate change with a certain (small) level of grace. And I have hope.

So, please don’t be sorry I am an alcoholic. Because it is only in recovery that I learned to really live.

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